| my goodness |
[01 Jul 2005|11:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apprehensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[a.vulgar.picture.] the.black.dahlia.murder. |
] |
it has been quite some time since the last update
i dont even know where to begin
i'll start with new york
we went to new york. my softball team and me. it was fantastic. the weather there was terrible though. hot. humid. GROSS. but that's ok. the clinic we ran was a lot of fun. the tournament was fun. nyc is an amazing city. i can see why so many tourists go there. it's like las vegas and the sunset strip bore a child. it was really nice bonding and getting closer to my softball friends and their siblings. i'm really nervous about the whole college thing right now. so nervous that i don't even really want to talk about it.
yeah so that was new york in one second.
last night i saw sophia. i missed her so much. i saw cynthia and others too. i'm really glad i got to see them. i also talked to kiki. a lot. she made me feel so much better about some things and is really helping me out right now. thanks dear :].
tonight. is my night. with the girl who gives me the hottest sex ever. i love fran. i hope tiffany can come too. i don't know what we're going to do, but it will be sexy and glorious.
yeah so
the end
i will try to update more often
xo
!
|
|
| wow! |
[12 Jun 2005|09:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 playful. dammit. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[sound.the.surrender.] darkest.hour. |
] |
so latin movie night was GLORIOUS. yeah it was amazing. we had such a great time. we watched braveheart. haha. that was it, basically. we went in the jacuzzi. we talked about sex (baby). it was one of the best times i've ever had.
what else happened. oh yeah! fran got her license. she came and picked tiffany and me up. we went to mijares and had a really fun time there. then we baked at tiffany's. then fran had to go home to tiffany and i delivered brownies to sean. we stayed there with him for a while, then left. it was a lot of fun.
this weekend was the HUGE tournament in LAS VEGAS. it was so much fun. there were so many college coaches out there i couldnt even handle it. i got so nervous at first, but then i eased into the setting. it's really fun seeing all these coaches you've communicated with for so long, even though you're not allowed to talk to them, and vice versa.
so i am home. i am burned. i am slightly bruised, slightly broken.
oh well.
this has been one hell of a week, and it's bound to get better.
|
|
| so good. |
[06 Jun 2005|10:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[death.certificate.for.a.beauty.] i.killed.the.prom.queen. |
] |
last night was so good.
just talking. just driving.
it was really nice being able to carry on intelligent conversation with someone.
and it was comfortable.
and fun.
and tonight.
is going to be LATIN MOVIE NIGHT.
be jealous bitches.
|
|
| good to sad so...medium? |
[04 Jun 2005|10:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ...if only neutral were honest |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[hellbent.and.hammered.] himsa. |
] |
let's run down the days events. today was filled with highs and lows.
started off the day with a chem sat II. blah. that was terrible. let's just forget all about it.
i called sophia and thought it was a school day so i didnt expect her to pick up. when she did pick up, i was confused as to why she was answering her phone at school. she was actually in cynthia's bed, at 9:50 in the am, and i definitely woke her up. oops.
so i went to get her and we went to her house. her mom was being incredibly funny in an almost drunken sort of way. then we went to justin's house to get sophia's diesels back. derek was there too. i wish he and i were still friends. he won't even look at me anymore. it made me really sad to see him.
so after that we woke up nicholas at noon. we dragged him with us to islands, even though he ended up wanting to go anyway. we almost got hit by a bus. kind of. well not really. we just acted like it. then we raced back to his house after lunch because i had to pee so bad. i almost killed us for sure trying to get back there. once we got back to the house and bladder was emptied, we watched stripsearch, i think it's called. funniest show ever.
then i took sophia home and went to jessie's recital. it was kinda blah, but whatever.
after the recital, i came home and i was really excited about seeing sean tonight. but i got a text from him saying he was in arizona. ok well i guess that means he can't hang out tonight. that's ok, cause i forgot there was a section 8 show tonight, so i got myself all ready to go to that only to find out that it was cancelled. poo.
so i called cynthia and i went over there to hang out with her and shana and tish. i love these girls so much. we had girl talk about boys. boys. this really got me thinking about my own situation with boys. i've never been in a real relationship. what bryant and i had was so close to being one, but we would never allow it to be. i've had hookups, but who hasn't. there just comes a time when hookups aren't enough anymore. sometimes all you want is someone you can connect with on an emotional and physical level. i heard cynthia and tish and shana talking about the boys in their lives and it really just made me wish i had one. their dilemmas are that they can't choose between boys. they don't realize how lucky they are. options may be hard, and choices made may be regretted in the future, but at least you know you had the chance for something to exist. it's better to make the wrong choice than not have the option to make a choice at all.
devika and i are talking right now, and she just described something her friend created in the press.
the feeling is called the press because, and i quote devika, "it feels like theres literally a weight on your heart and it almost physically hurts how much you want someone."
that's our press for the moment. there is also the good press, as devika described, where you just feel so amazing you feel like you're going to explode.
devika wants the latter of the two presses. i want the latter of the two presses. and i'm sure we're not the only two girls who feel like that.
see what i mean? good. then sad. then good. then sad.
so overall, as a day, neutral?
|
|
| so... |
[03 Jun 2005|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tegan.and.sara.in.my.head. |
] |
so today was graduation. everyone looked gorgeous. i am going to be so sad next year with all those wonderful girls gone. we will all truly miss them.
i went to katie's reception afterward. i love her to death. her family is always so welcoming of me. sophia's too. everyone's family loves me except for my westridge friends. well, some of them. i definitely got a mean look today from one parent in particular. i hate how they dont like me. but then again, my own mother doesn't like me. but that's for later. katie's reception was lovely. there was so much laughter and good fun and love in the air. you can just pick up the vibe that everyone in that house really cares about each other, and seeing that really made me reflect on my own home life.
i love my dad more than anyone in the world and he is the glue that holds our household together. my mom and i fought tonight. a lot. more than we have in a long time. we have this problem where she'll be a decent human being, so i'll let her into my life thinking she's changed for the better, but then she'll go back to being a horrible woman, whereupon i feel hurt because i allowed myself to think all would be better.
i thought this last time was it. i thought she'd changed for the better. i went against my better judgment and let her back in one more time.
big. fucking. mistake.
she is crazy. i think so. my sister thinks so. my dad thinks so. i tell her how i feel and she tells me i'm wrong. she's really condescending when we fight, too. and when she wants the fight to end, she walks away. she's such a coward. she wont even just finish the fight because she is afraid of what i have to say. she doesn't want to hear how badly she hurts me and how i feel like she doesn't love me. she always replies with, "but i tell you all the time how much i love you and how wonderful you are." talk is cheap.
actions always speak louder.
...
she just came in.
she said, "i just want you to know that i love you."
i told her actions speak louder than words.
she walked out.
i feel guilty for what i said. i really wish it didn't have to be this way.
but i can't let myself be hurt again. i know it's selfish, but i don't know what else to do.
i really need to do something tomorrow besides take those damned sat II's to take my mind off this.
this night has been hell.
|
|
| yeah so... |
[02 Jun 2005|06:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cause i have to study. boo. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[where.does.good.go.] tegan.and.sara. |
] |
yeah so sean introduced me to this band, well really it's more like two girls and some instruments...
tegan and sara
i love them. i can't stop listening to them.
yes.
xo.
|
|
| well well well |
[02 Jun 2005|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bah. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[the.first.]tegan.and.sara. |
] |
so i hung out with cynthia last night, and it was glorious.
first we were at her house with lucy (i LOVE her), monica (laurreennnnn monica), and morgan. that was a lot of fun. then we went to youth group at her church. they did not ostracize me for being a jew. yay! then we went and saw sean and his friends. i love being with sean and the rest of those boys. they are just way too much fun. then we came home early, because my mom was being a witch. nothing new, really.
so yeah. now i want to talk to sophia. she needs to call me back.
klove.
kthnx.
kbye.
|
|
| what now? |
[30 May 2005|10:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[a.victim.a.target.] misery.signals. |
] |
it's not that summer is bad
but summer really does accentuate the holes in your social life
summer forces you to take count of your true friends and allows you to discover those who you thought were friends, but really aren't.
summer brings about a rise in lonliness. you sit and wonder how you can be so alone, and all that time of doing nothing really doesn't help anything at all.
a time to relax? maybe. but sleep is really the only peaceful rest that occurs because during sleep you don't have to think about what to do, who to call...who you wish would call.
i know this sounds really stupid and emo. call it what you will. but when you're living it, it's the worst feeling in the world. this is the truth. and i know i'm not the only one who feels this way.
embrace those around you. don't let real friends slip away. summer has a tendency to allow that to happen. if someone means something to you, let them know. make an effort. nothing hurts worse than knowing you've been forgotten.
ok then.
|
|
| let's talk about...people |
[26 May 2005|08:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 like whoa. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[sound.the.surrender.] darkest.hour. |
] |
the 10 amendments? dont you mean...commandments?
ok i lied. we're going to talk people. and events. and events to come. RIGHT NOW.
people:
have i mentioned lately how much i love tiffany and fran? there is just something about those two girls that makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and cry laughing and i am just thoroughly in love with them. from the time in history when fran bought those random cookies to share with the class and tiffany and i were crying and mrs connor was getting mad, to the other time/s when tiffany says DONT LOOK AT ME for one of various reasons (1) bad o face, (2) food in teeth, (3) blowing nose, i just love spending time with these girls. oh yeah, and that time when tiffany was blowing the conch. that was priceless. the different methods. straight blow. pinched lip blow. hahah.
oh yeah, so there's this girl named sophia and i am in love with her too. yesterday afternoon i had the pleasure of spending time with her. first i picked her up from work then we went to her house for a very short period of time. then we went to targettt. that was fun. looking at all the stupid pj's. haha. sophia you are TOADily cool. and then when we went around the turns up by your house. *BEEEEEP* LAUREN YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD IT FOR THE ENTIRE TURN! i love you so much.
hmm, sean. yeah we've spent some time together. the most fun boy i know, by far. i just love being around him. i didnt know just driving could be so exciting. i feel like we've bonded since we almost died together. tiffany, fran, and i are bringing him baked goods tomorrow. yay.
tomorrow.
oh my god.
tomorrow.
here's the rundown:
1) english final BOO
2) official beginning of summer
3) lunch with ze girls
4) georgia/ucla softball game YES
5) bake goods.
6) deliver goods.
7) i know you want my goodies?
8) come home and watch movies until the wee hours of the morn
9) "get up"
10) SIX FLAGS BITCHESSS.
oh my goodness.
this is going to be too intense for me.
i need to go.
i love you all
xx.
|
|
| promxcore again |
[16 May 2005|11:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uh oh. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. mom's mad. oh shit. |
] |
ok i will write a longer entry about prom
but let me just say this
everyone was HOT.
the pictures are great.
greg was amazing. no really. i like this boy a lot. <3.
more to come...
|
|
| prom pt II |
[11 May 2005|09:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 you know what that face means. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[meaning.in.tragedy.] as.i.lay.dying. |
] |
prom is on saturday.
i am excited.
i have not seen greg since last prom, which sucks a lot.
but saturday will be fun.
i'll make sure of it.
|
|
| love. |
[08 May 2005|12:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[concubine] converge. |
] |
i love these lyrics, even though you can't really understand them in the songs...
hell to pay
cheap lips, soft eyes, lost in the most blinding lights
as cold as those first nights alone
as the second best he'll become
sleep deep, girl, dream well
that night, i think he cried himself to sleep
just maybe, he felt more than we could ever know
and i think he pulled that trigger to empty that memory
i think he cut the weight to end the floods of you
let him soar, let him ride as budding gravestones do
just sleep, girl, just dream well
heaven in her arms
death was just a simple glance across a dim lit room
and those eyes did it
those three words did it
those three words killed him
and i surrender to it all
between you and me, i surrender to you
forgive me for the sadness
and the bringing of you down
i just needed a lover and i needed a friend
and there you were
running from forever like all the rest
three simple words bled me dry
three simple word bled us dry, bled us dry
i love you
by converge
|
|
| tonight |
[08 May 2005|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad i have to go to sleep |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
section 8 stuck in my head. |
] |
the night has just ended. it was one of the best nights of my life.
i picked sophia up and we went to the house of blues in hollywood. i got my ticket from the list (yesss) and sophia bought hers. we went inside and stood near the front. a poor man's pedro "liked" me, or so his friend in the skull bandana said. we watched reflux first. they were AMAZING. then misery signals. oh my goodness. i jizzed my pants. they were the best thing ever. so then after misery signals we left and went to hang out at wolf's. such a great time i can't even handle it. wow. then sophia and i went to get donuts. we are addicts. like whoa. i love her so much.
so in conclusion, tonight was fantastic. i love sophia. i love donuts with sophia. i love misery signals. i love the new friends i made tonight.
i love life.
<3.
|
|
| promxcore |
[01 May 2005|08:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
you know what that face means. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[shotgun.] a.static.lullaby. |
] |
prom was amazing.
i was with the greatest guy
making me the luckiest girl there
by far.
the hummer limo owned. loved the hardwood floors and fireplace. we had the best crowd. i love sophia cynthia shana lucy claire monica. they are so much fun.
it was lovely chatting with sunny and nancy most of the night. they are too funny to watch.
ms. valerie looked fantastically lovely. i love her.
i just had the best time ever. thank you greg :].
<3
|
|
| whoa. it's here already. |
[29 Apr 2005|10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired/excited as hell |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none. unusual, i know. |
] |
prom is tomorrow.
i'm so excited.
i think i'm going to pop.
i hope he thinks i look pretty.
|
|
| eee |
[24 Apr 2005|04:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[black.dresses.] the.spill.canvas. |
] |
friday night was so fun.
yeah.
<3.
|
|
| huh? |
[19 Apr 2005|10:10pm] |
since when does this ever happen?
what am i going to do...?
i just don't know.
|
|
| wow. |
[13 Apr 2005|09:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 wee? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[deanne.the.arsonist.] atreyu. |
] |
XIV
by elizabeth barrett browning
if thou must love me, let it be for nought
except for love's sake only. do not say
i love her for her smile--her look--her way
of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
that falls in well with mine, and certes brought
a sense of ease on such a day--
for these things in themselves, beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
may be unwrought so. neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--
a creature might forget to weep, who bore
thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
but love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
|
|
| how true it is. and the truth hurts. |
[12 Apr 2005|10:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[black.dresses.] the.spill.canvas. |
] |
this
is a call
to notice that
which has gone unnoticed
that all of us
are walking wounded
bearing hidden scars
and subtle bruises
the casualties of a war
inside our hearts
it's so true. hopefully someday i can say...
surely, i do protest
let this be a message
that here i stand
...with confidence.
thank you if hope dies.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
death_campaign's journal